It’s the Sevens weekend, or as I affectionately term it ‘Wellington’s Festival of Sluts’. For three short days and nights, the streets, bars, and sporting arenas ofWellington become a giant pulling ground. Sluts of both sexes leave no body part un-groped, no knickers un-flashed. Sluts from all over NZ, and indeed the world, come together to celebrate the shortness of their skirts, the bigness of their cocks, and the easiness of their virtue. It is glorious. Viva la Slut! I say.
Personally, I’m pleased the council sponsors this. It seems tragic to think that for the remaining 362 days of the year women and men of a sluttish persuasion are forced celebrate their lifestyle choice in the relative privacy of bars and clubs. They are, afterall, rate payers too!
Frankly, if they are normally too shy to piss themselves in doorways, grope random passersby, and stick their tongues down other sluts’ throats, then our fair city needs to provide opportunities from them to do this.
Viva le Infrastructure for the sluts! I cry.
The thing I love most about the ‘Wellington Festival of Sluts’ are the pick up lines. They remind me of my teenage years in Palmy when I’d don my short skirt and head to the Eagle Rock for a night of revelry. Here Ag Sci students rubbed shoulders with Vet students who rubbed shoulders with Hort students who rubbed anything within a two meter radius of their beer splashed hand (in the other hand was the obligatory pint of Tui).
It was against this backdrop that I was hit with my first ever pick up line……
“I think you’re crash hot, I really want to spade ya, can I buy you a jug?”
Even as an 18 year old I knew it was class. Pure class. Here we had a request, a compliment and a call to action. Perfect. I knew what was on offer, jugs and spades and I had the right of reply. (For the record I didn’t fancy ‘gardening’ with him so declined his kind offer of a jug, but I did enjoy being described as ‘crash hot”)
All this reminiscing prompted me to canvas my friends for a sample of their best/ worst pick up lines. Here they are:
Warning some are offensive, some are insane and some are actually quite inspired.
First up, The Eagle Rock eh?
- Do you wear contacts? Cos you have such blue eyes. She was wearing glasses at the time.
- My team lost the game today, I just need to pash you to feel better. Playing for the sympathy pash.
- Yes I am Irish, can I buy you drink? Nothing like trading on an accent.
- Whilst dancing to a particular 80′s classic: So, do you touch yourself? A particularly good use of a song lyric.
- Do you wanna f*ck?…Er no thanks… Do you mind lying down while I do? a great example of a clear, to the point, if a little lacking in romance, pick up line.
- I’m going home, you’re coming too – by the way my name’s Katy. Proving that pick up lines are not just the preserve of men.
The wasabi, what the? (these are some great lines used when I and others where living in Japan)
- Your forehead is very shiny. Kincker dropper if ever I heard one.
- You’re really tall, wanna go shoot some hoops? And then what, do some one on one defending????
- Can I touch your arse? Again, up front and kinda polite.
- I like you, and I will pay for the dry cleaning, here is my number’ This was after he had vomited all over my front and down my back while we were jammed into a crowded Tokyo subway train. Clearly he was intoxicated, deluded, mental.
- And my all time personal favorite ……Your breasts are like milk tankers. The gent in question serached for about 5 minutes for the right word and milk tankers is what he came up with.
And the Are you fo’ real?
- Your hair is on fire!
- Or shouted out in the middle of a busy Washington DC street at midday: You wanna suck my cock? You got a fat ass, look like you got some black in you.
- Oh you’re Indian, right that’s awesome – buddha’s like the dopest c@^t around
- Your hair looks like a lion’s mane or lamb fleece..
- Overheard but never forgotten, whilst sitting in a bar in Savannah, Georgia in summer: Yunnow. you’re pretty cute, n’ foah a big lady yew doan sweat much.
- So, do you work in…admin?
So, yes, I think we can say the world will always be full of man, and lady sluts keen for a root.
Bravo Wellington for making it happen!